


Outta Here

by randomcheeses



Series: What if? [24]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-20
Updated: 2011-02-20
Packaged: 2017-10-15 19:24:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomcheeses/pseuds/randomcheeses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Greed is not sticking around for this shit</p>
            </blockquote>





	Outta Here

"So," Greed said to the old man who had just created him. "Who are you?"

The first homunculus smiled. "I am your Father. You are my Greed." He gestured to the other figures who were surrounding them in a spread out circle. "These are your brothers and sister."

"Ookay. . ." Greed said dubiously, looking around at his assembled family members, who seemed to be a bit on the bizarre side. Apparently he was the only one the old man had seen fit to gift with a sense of style. Although, Greed mused briefly, the woman that his brain was instinctively identifying as Lust seemed to have some potential.

He turned his attention back to the old man, who was still smiling benignly at him. "So I'm assuming you had a purpose in creating me? Are you going to tell me what it is, or are we gonna play guessing games?"

"Of course my son," Father smiled. He began to explain and as he continued Greed's expression became more and more fixed.

"That's it," Father said as he finished and looked at his son's frozen face. "I believe this is the part where you say 'That's so crazy it just might work', correct?"

Greed thought about this. "No Pops," he decided. "I think this is the part where I say 'Screw you guys, I'm outta here."

Father blinked.

"What?"

"Didn't you hear me?" Greed said slowly and clearly. "I'm outta here. This plan of yours is never gonna work. I mean, come on, what are the chances that you'll find five alchemists who visited the Gate and survived at just the right time for your solar eclipse? How many are there alive today? One? Two?"

"I've already got one," Father pointed out. "Hohenheim survived. Also, he is immortal, so we don't have to worry about him dying. And humans are persistent. There'll be more. I'm sure of it."

"In time for your solar eclipse, though?" Greed retorted. "You can't exactly schedule them. If no one attempts human transmutation in the next, ooh, hundred years, you're screwed."

"They will," Father insisted. "My plan _will_ succeed!"

"And your plan is to do what, again? Make a stone that will give you a younger body so that you can swallow Truth? Right. Like that's gonna work." Greed looked around at his siblings, who were gaping at him in various stages of disbelief. "By the way, is it just me, or do any of you think Pops here is way too obsessed with this Hohenheim guy?" He turned back to Father. "Seriously, do you have a crush on him or something? For crying out loud Pops, you admitted to _copying his face._ That's stalker behaviour right there."

There was absolute silence for a moment.

Then: "I do not have a crush on that human!" Father snapped furiously. "I-"

"Right," Greed repeated sceptically, interrupting him. "I am _so_ outta here."

###

"You know," Pride pointed out after Greed had left, slamming the door behind him. "He did sort of have a point about the sacrifices, Father."

"Hmph," Father grunted sourly. "I suppose a scheme to seek out talented alchemists might be in order. Perhaps some sort of military program. We can flesh out the details once we have a Wrath."


End file.
